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 [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....

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Liandrist
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PostSubject: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:01 am

[nowhere near finished, but say something ! Very Happy


It didn't take much to upset him. He clove the foolish human in half, spilling his insides all over his crimson armor. It was a mess, he realized that much, but it's not like it wasn't something he hadn't seen before; the blood was as water on the earth, spreading in all directions as if to claim that location. The muscles had ripped in twain where the sword clove the flesh, the human had been holding back his own stool, for fesces had excreted from his behind. He loved the smell of death in the morning, nothing appealed to him more then the taste of copper, and the smell of sweat. Thus he was reminded of why he was in Blackrock Mountain. He seeked the forge that of which he would craft something so dear to him, so telling of his being. He had worked hard and long for the materials used to craft this item, and now - if ever - was the time to make it.

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Last edited by Liandrist on Mon Mar 03, 2008 5:08 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Aephinevra
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PostSubject: Re: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:45 pm

I rather liked it at first; pleasantly violent and whatnot, but it was kind of disgusting towards the end.

Corrections:

- "Fiscis" is spelled "feces".
- "Twain" is an archaic word, therefore is out-of-place in this paragraph that contains fairly simple vocabulary.
- Though you may have meant something else by the "taste of copper", blood tastes like iron, not copper.
- "Cleaved" should be "clove" in the second sentence.
- If you want to keep the semicolon after "like it wasn't something he'd seen before;", change "the blood flowed" to "blood flowing".
- Don't use contractions, such as he'd, in a proper literary work; they are for speech and casual writing.
- Muscles don't "snap", tendons do. Muscles rip.
- You can just say "like a river", you don't need to compare it to water, as the majority of the time, it can be assumed that is what is flowing down a river.
- "All amongst" is not a proper use of "amongst" as amongst refers to being in a group or between something; "the place" is not specific enough to follow.
- When writing fantasies or roleplays, the majority of the time "ground" is replaced with "earth", if ground is being used as a noun.

I hope this is what you meant when you said to say something.
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Liandrist
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PostSubject: Re: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Mon Mar 03, 2008 4:56 pm

.... Ass >.>

(Walks over to Aephinevra, and silences her with one of thaag and Keridwyn's "Cunt Punts")

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Aephinevra
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PostSubject: Re: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Mon Mar 03, 2008 8:44 pm

I wouldn't had to have annoyed you and given all those corrections if you'd done it correctly in the first place. Rolling Eyes
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Thaag
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PostSubject: Re: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Mon Mar 10, 2008 10:54 am

**watches amusedly**
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Liandrist
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PostSubject: Re: [Instance RP] Where lava boils and fire toils....   Mon Mar 10, 2008 4:08 pm

This roleplay portion requires the attendance of a few people in all the groups.

Most importantly.
Myself
Halyra
(whomsoever needs instance Experience)

the first portion of the story leads to Blackrock Depths.

also looking for someone who can either lockpick/or just open the doors.

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